The Barbaric Australians Come Up with an Ingenious New Poison in Order to Exterminate Cats

The cat-hating chaps from Down Under have outdone themselves this time around. In a campaign almost surely guaranteed to solidify its position as one of the world's most barbaric and backward nations, Australia has proudly announced that it has come up with a very ingenious new poison to asphyxiate feral cats.

Officials plan to lace kangaroo meat and chicken fat with paraaminopropiophenone (PAPP), a deadly chemical which robs the blood of oxygen. The chemical was originally developed by the military to treat radiation sickness and cyanide poisoning. As clever as a gang of genocidal maniacs and not about to miss a trick, officials plan to inaugurate the poisonings during the winter months when food is scarcest.

These diabolical monsters from Down Under have already tried out their poison on God only knows how many laboratory cats so they are, quite naturally, confident that they have found the silver bullet which will allow them to eradicate all feral cats in Australia. Twenty minutes after eating the poison the cats become lethargic and they are unconscious twenty minutes later and dead within an hour. The only positive thing which can be said for PAPP is that it works considerably faster than the rodenticide known as Compound 1080 (sodium monofluoroacetate) which the Cobbers have been using on the cats; it, for instance, can take as long as twenty-four hours to kill a cat.

Officials also plan on molding the bait into hard pellets shaped like cocktail sausages (See Top Photo) so as not to harm the native species they are allegedly trying to protect. They are doing this because cats tend to swallow their food whole whereas other animals who carefully chew theirs will spit out the pellets once they discover that they cannot chew them.

The poisonings are expected to commence before the end of the year and plans are already being formulated to extend the mass slaughter to wild dogs and foxes.

The Cobbers and their neighbors to the south, the Kiwis, have been waging a war against feral cats for some years now because they allege that the cats are killing too many native birds and mammals. This may be true to a certain extent but other animals, both native and non-native species, also kill mammals and birds as do men, pollution, and development. As it has so often been the case in the past, cats are being made the scapegoats for a complex problem.

Many Australian ailurophobes attempt to justify their slaughter of cats on the basis that they are an invasive species. This deliberate shortsightedness omits the petit fait that cats were brought to Australia in the 1800s by settlers. Furthermore, it was the Cobbers themselves who began releasing cats into the wild as early as the 1850s in order to control the population of rabbits, mice, rats, and other small animals. So, after hundreds of years of protecting their food stores at home, grain silos, and helping to prevent the spread of disease by controlling the population of mice, birds, and other animals this is the thanks they get.

The cleverly concocted PAPP is not the Cobbers' first attempt at exterminating feral cats. They and the Kiwis already make a sport out of shooting them (See Middle Photo) and monetary prizes and honors are bestowed on those individuals who kill the most cats. They are so proud of their barbarism that they even hang their trophies from trees (See Bottom Photo Taken at William Creek, Australia) as a warning to would-be cat dumpers. Having grown too lazy and cheap to spend their precious shekels on shooting, trapping, and fencing, the Aussies have now embarked upon a sophisticated poisoning campaign as their wickedness du jour.

Based on their history, the Australians' treatment of cats is not surprising. Like the English in North America and the Spanish in Central and South America, they too conquered the land that they now call home through the use of systematic genocide and wholesale thievery directed against the indigenous population. Historically, they have ruthlessly exploited the Melanesian nations of Papua New Guinea, the Solomon Islands, Vanuatu, and Fiji. More recently they have targeted their imperialistic designs on long suffering East Timor and tiny Nauru.

As Charles Dickens reminds us, the Cobbers are products of Old Blighty's penal system and although they have long ago shed their prison fatigues, a convict seldom ever changes his stripes. In fact, the English gutter remains indelibly etched into these cat-hating Cobbers' black hearts.